Tagad jūtos vairāk latviska, laikam pat rīdziska, jāsaka. Kaut kā stāv pirmajās sajūtu rindās teātra smarža, gaismas, agra rīta stunda, drusku kafijas un šokolādes aromāts , kas tā sajaucies ar veco sēdekļu rindu putekļiem un garo aizkulišu aizkaru smagnējumu. Tas viss iedvesmo un dod vēlmi radīt, rakstīt, būt lietū, dzīvot. Rīga –tās manas mājas... Kādēļ es laicīgi neapzinājos, kur es jūtos vislabāk? Tagad jau laikam par vēlu. Vai tā tikai šķiet? Manī tik daudz emocijas un tās laužas uz āru, esmu gandrīz pārliecināta, ka varētu būt daļa no izrāžu tapšanas, rakstniece vai aktrise vai vismaz kaut kāda mazā sieviņa, kas ir mazā dvēsele tur starp lielo kņadu un epopeju.

Es atceros, kā ir ziemās, kad tikko iestājas pirmais aukstums. Viss šķiet tāds drūms un tumšs, bet tomēr rosība notiek visapkārt, mēs neviens neapstājamies, tramvaji kursē kā vienmēr un tie pilni ikdienā aizņemto cilvēku, kas lēnām klibina uz saviem mazajiem un ne tik mazajiem  mērķiem. Biju reiz es daļa no tā. Varbūt tāpēc, ka nebiju viena, tas šķiet tik melanholiski? Pašai sava virtuvīte un mazā rutīniņa. Ja vien es būtu laimīga ar savu darbu, ja vien varētu mosties ik dienas vienā un tajā pašā laikā un sākt rītu ar rakstu vai kādu sleju, iedvesmojošu video materiālu vai plānu, kas jāpadara/jāsaraksta. Bet lai tas būtu nozīmīgi, lai tas būtu jēdzīgi un ne smieklīgi. Lai es nebūtu  vienkārši šīs socializācijas vergs, bet gan savas dzīves kalējs, kur katrai diena un doma ir no svara.

Atmiņā ataust ekskursijas no pamatskolas laikiem uz vecām pilīm un muzejiem. Matemātikas astoņos no rīta , kur pirmais uzdevums atmodina pirmajā sekundē. Ziemassvētku koncerti, gadatirdziņi, egles iedegšana, pastaiga mežā, vakars pie balzāmiņa un Aliasa. Martiņas kūkas, Vecrīga, Tērbatas iela...

Gribu būt daļa no tā, gribu atrast sevi tur, kā neatņemamu šūniņu, kas ielejas starp pārējām. Gribu apciemot mammu, kad vien vēlos un no rītiem vest ārā suni. Gribu ceļot ik pārmēnešus, rakstīt un iet uz koncertiem. Gribu Jāņus svinēt ar savējiem un greznot pati savu māju Ziemassvētkos...

Oh, London, is it you? OR F***ING hospitality

What is London doing to people? I just found out that one of my closest friends`s (at least I thought so) financial problems occurred just because of him taking coke :(

I don`t know why, but this broke my heart more than anything else he could have told me... It just suddenly makes sense, all the weird and unexplained behaviour, all the lies and hidden things. I finally do understand and my mind is not exploding anymore trying to understand. But I am not sure if I feel better knowing it. Yes, as the matter of fact, it is better to be informed, but does it help knowing I was not trusted enough to be told? I feel dismissed, forgotten, underestimated. 

Is it London`s rush that makes people drink, smoke and take stuff or not  really? Or is it London that gives people excuse to forget who they are, allowing them to run and rush, keeping themselves busy doing things they don`t even know they want or  just not to come closer to their REAL selves? And then, tired and exhausted, they are looking for outside sources to keep them going? It is like denial of reality.

I have lost too many battles with addictions. I lost my DEAREST and BEST brother to it. I lost my FIRST LOVE to it. And now I feel I am losing another friend. Is it never enough, really? Is that a sign I should stop fighting it, leaving this to a primary source?

My last 2 years were spent in London, so many memories and almost none of it positive. Really, it is all like long, looong, dark period, I remember only winter and worries. And these news are just another attachment to the dark file.. :/ Do I need to give it another try just to see if it is London or people around me or should I leave it for good? 

I feel like I saw the dark side of the moon and there is still a day, when sun is rising, different people and different things to be busy with. I AM DEFINITELY DONE WITH HOSPITALITY BUSINESS. This is where all this shit, slavery, exploitation, unfairness and shitty alcohol and drug addiction comes from, this is where it is born. People with no interests and life whatsoever just find the easiest way to earn money and have fun. I HATE to see it all, I hate to see managers high on coke and supervisors smoking weed, bartenders and chefs drinking! I DO not want to be a part of it anymore! I have seen it all! And then they have taken another friend of mine. They are using this shit and they are welcoming other people to do it as well. Really, besides STOP cruelty towards animals, I have another wish- may RIVER THAMES please just flush all the F***ING restaurants and bars in LONDON so I never see them and instead a green green forests and fields would grow, there would be just nice home coffee shops and cafe`s around the town...

Es esmu šeit

Es esmu šeit, mājās, savā dzimtenē, savā zemē, kur ķerneņa temperatūra perfekti sinhronizējas ar gaisu, sirds sitas pareizajā un īstajā ritmā, es esmu tur, kur piederu visvairāk.

Es elpoju šo gaisu, lutinu savas ausis ar īstajām balsīm un valodu, barojos ar teātri, svētkiem, izbraukumiem, mūziku, absorbēju sevī kultūru ar katru elpas rāvienu. Pirtīm, tautasdziesmām, vasaras peldēm un smiekliem  piedziedātām noskaņām, grāmatām un dzeju ieaijātām vēsmām pirms nakts miega.

Kāpēc nekur nevar justies tā, kā es jūtos šeit? Ceļot ir vārds, kas raksturo mani visvairāk, taču īstās mājas, kur atgriezties, ir Latvijas pilsētas, ezeri, meži, Baltijas jūras smilšainie krasti  un priedainās kāpas. Un ES ESMU ŠEIT,

Man ir jābrauc tālāk, atkal prom, bet man tāā negribas...

day 5

I `ve skipped DAY 4, cause that was the second happiest day in my life. So, I`ll move to day 5 :)

I got SOO lost just now in LONDON and sooo upset I even swore on the street :D
I just wanted to walk home and as I had already made like 5 circles around Convent Garden and yet didn`t find nor bus stop, nor Dishuum (is it correct, LIZ?), I just caught a Tube. And you know, what I realized- there is at least one thing in LONDON I am sure  and feel confident about and that is underground.

Also- I am so eating SHIT food. Just havin` ROLTON type of soups and pastas and from time to time getting sandwich or some fastie. Really hate it and my stomach has something to say about that as well. :D

And one thing is clear- when you are alone somewhere, there is no way you are going to stay alone. It is like someone definitely is going to talk to you no matter where you are and what mood you`re in. I was so upset about one phone call that I entered the third (less crowded) pub on my way and just had a drink. And even though I was listening to my I-pod and did not look opened for a conversation at all, there was still a man who chose to offer a seat for me. And then his boss  came up as well. We talked, he bought me a drink, his boss left, he invited me to his friend`s dinner, I refused, he ran out of time, we hugged goodbyes, he left and I stayed alone. And though I was listening to my I-pod again, there was a Norwegian couple who decided to join me as well, so I had another `small talk` with them about love and scorpion stuff. :)) And then they left, but I was now ready for a party. So, I decided to meet my only friends in London at their work- Dishuum. As you can tell, it did not end well, I just got lost and now I am here, on my laptop with a bottle of beer. :)

But I guess I`ve learned to be on my own so much, I could say I am really ready to travel alone if needed and I would not rely on anyone anymore. I have my own thoughts, my own company, my own jokes and laughter. I hope this does not sound schizophrenic, but this is a good true to know, cause I`ve been blamed once for having problems to be alone.

Day number 3

Those three days have been as one long, long day. I still haven`t got the chance to realize that I am actually in London. It all started from the very first morning I spend on my own receiving text from Liz (that nice girl who let me stay at hers): “Do you want to go for one or two drinks?” As you may already guess, it didn`t end like it, because the end of that `one drink` is just now, when I am finally home (the place where my bags and stuff is).

But it has been so much fun! I`ve met already so many people being in London just for three days. Yesterday I just caught myself being in a company of 5 men – Indian, Greek, Latvian nationality - and none of them I had known longer than 24 hours. And they` re all musicians J So, I had live gig in a flat somewhere far  from center of London everyone being so stoned whereas I was completely sober. Maybe that`s because I`d been sleeping only for two hours that day, I couldn`t get any dizziness whatever I was drinking.

Indian people are soo NIICE! I can`t believe I never met any Indian before and missed that wonderful mentality people being around. They take care, they smile and they are so friendly, which is amazing. And I am grateful that I had a chance to get to know that, cause they were the ones I was always afraid of meeting on streets of London. If I didn`t get to know Shree accidently, I would never start a conversation with him myself. I guess, I still have some prejudices I need to overcome, so I am here.

And this morning was the ultimate chill- the one you want never to stop. I had the best freshly made cocktails in my life, made from strawberries, bananas, mint and what else not. And of course a lot of singing and guitar playing as well. These guys are incredible and I am soo thankful to Liz she allowed me to stay at her place and meet those wonderful people who I spend time with like I had known them for years.

I cannot really describe the atmosphere and the emotions I had this morning, but this is one of the days I will never forget in my life. Thanks to Kris, Shree, Big G as well as their manager and a girlfriend and Indian couple, especially The Girl of my dreams ;)

Still on the 1st

I`ve got my favorite UK cider and a laptop next to me. And I have ultimate harmony within me. Sometimes it is so essential just to get away from everything and everyone (even those you really love) as well as your every day routine and habits. Before I`ve only seen this in movies, but actually getting out of your comfort zone could really help for placing your thoughts in order.

If you asked me week ago, I would say I do not know, why was I doing this and what was all the point about. But somehow, deep down inside I almost instinctively followed for what`s the best for me now, and as I can see- I did right.

I really AM WALKING, WATCHING, LISTENING, paying attention to every tiny detail around me and enjoying every moment of my life. This day has been soo long you cannot compare. And I have actually done nothing and what makes me happy the most: I DO NOT PANIC, I do accept this as a part of an order.

And now I am here, on the third floor of flat somewhere in CENTER OF LONDON, I hear airplanes every second just passing by right above my head and I am welcome to make a few steps and be outside on the balcony which is more like a roof I can walk on. Isn`t that amazing? Be careful what you wish for and when it happens- enjoy and remember that you have once actually wanted that. :)

I`m still on a "HAPPINESS REAL ONLY WHEN SHARED" side, but balance is needed, and oh for so long I`ve been longing for this moment... the moment when me, myself and I am three best friends and nothing else matters.

1st day

So, I am in London. I think I still quite do not get it. :D there`s so many people around and I try to look like from here (to avoid the attention :D), but I guess it is written on my forehead: „No, people, I just arrived and this all is still interesting for me”, whereas they all look like covered with their iphones and ipods and goddamn own thoughts. I know, I know, there`s nothing extraordinary to be at this place, but for me to be alone in a foreign country is kind of a new feeling, which enables some kind of emotions I haven`t had before.

I`ve had a first proper meal in like three days now. And I still haven`t slept enough, but that is fine. 
Got the number, got the map, got the aim. This is all I need, except for my own place and job :D But that is going to be settled. So, I`ve changed the place I  wake up and this is enough to start with. 

Yesterday, when the bus entered London, I suddenly was 100% sure that this WAS and IS actually right thing to do. I had had like a hundred of scenarios flashing in my head, all of them positive and absorbing. 

And such strange feeling seeing all these places, roads and signs once again and the most surprising- it all wasn`t sadly reminding me of old times all over as I expected. Yes, I still think of him/us and the memories are going to be with me forever, but I made a new view to all of this and I do like that..